Decisions

...you make choices that change your destiny and the destiny of others. No matter how much you would like it. Sometimes in such an insidious way that it hurts. You say one word and it moves your life in a direction you never wanted to go. You take one breath and someone breathes his last. You leap into the air like a beautiful young doe and a thousand other destinies must bow to the ground. You cry out and a million souls must be silent. You haven't the fainest idea where your journey will take you. If you cross someone else's. You just stumble from place to place, and time goes on forever...

...that relentless time rolls on, which has no mercy on the undecided. The mind thinks, the body acts, the heart aches. You do what you must, you want what you don't have, what you have you don't value, what you value, despises you. It's an endless vicious cycle of feelings, desires, passions, pains and a few bright moments that temporarily comfort your soul in this sad selfish world that seems to be ruled by mammon. This is life. In a deeply depressed state, you wonder if there is anything in the world that could make you happy, that could fulfill your life. When you figure that out, a secondary but much bigger problem occurs - how to achieve it? And so you go after that wonderful dream goal...

...that you've finally found it and you're looking forward to it like a little kid, suddenly it's gone. Just like that. Without warning or preparation. Your life energy and strength mixes with the emptiness left after a beautiful dream. You feel like you're falling and you'll never catch up. It's an unbearable feeling. You'd like to be end it all. But you can't. You grab hold of some clue and scramble back to the top. A different peak, better but rougher and more insidious to reach. Now you know that a climbing trip like this can end very badly. But you climb anyway. You don't give up, you have some experience. But rocks can be treacherous. Not many people make it to the top...

...to worry about what cannot be changed? Why worry about what will also solve itself? It's no use. I can't take it anymore. I am, therefore i think and I don't think I am anymore. I'm no longer that happy and carefree person just because I've been loved and loved to death. That skeletal toothy monster won't come, but you won't go to meet it. In the depths of your soul slumbers the hope that you will someday find a mountain to scramble up with your ears scraped off, and there you will stay until you turn to dust and merge with the endless ether, happy forever...